dan ryan

Throughout my childhood, I had a recurring and persistent stream of consciousness. I would never described the recurring experience as such. In fact, I would have never spoke of it at all, let alone crystallize it through definition. Through what I consider hindsight along with reimagined, this steam created the full spectrum of ‘emotional’ environments and experiences from near ecstasy to soul crushing depression, calming to disquieting, intense to indifferent, etc. It inspires and sustains me that we (humans) have this incredible gift. The marriage of the routine with the haphazard gives us multiple paradigms to have intense meaning while creating a space of rest where engagement is not simply optional rather the concept of engagement is absent removing any sense of duty or regret. On to the recurring experience. As I have only lived in my head, I cannot say how others think but I would describe how I think is I have a voice that is in constant dialogue with itself that I imagine t

I endeavor to be my best self. One of the areas that I am very conscious of is self soothing rather than soothing from others. I would have claimed that I did not seek or need such soothing from others because I was so saturated in it. I received a constant flow of positive affirmation and validation, in which I created the false narrative that it was superfluous and I was a ‘self-starter’ or ‘self-motivated’. This was NEVER true. Because I lived in this narrative, I was unable to make healthy, other oriented decisions. The first step I am taking in self soothing is taking full responsibility for my past behavior as well as my future. I will work to identify my anxieties and develop a ‘tool box’ of practices to alleviate those anxieties without avoiding or dismissing them.  I hope to work through this process, in part, by writing the story of my life to now with hindsight so that I take ownership of how I live in the present.  Note - I am not sure of the origin of self soothing