A Memory
Throughout my childhood, I had a recurring and persistent stream of consciousness. I would never described the recurring experience as such. In fact, I would have never spoke of it at all, let alone crystallize it through definition. Through what I consider hindsight along with reimagined, this steam created the full spectrum of ‘emotional’ environments and experiences from near ecstasy to soul crushing depression, calming to disquieting, intense to indifferent, etc. It inspires and sustains me that we (humans) have this incredible gift. The marriage of the routine with the haphazard gives us multiple paradigms to have intense meaning while creating a space of rest where engagement is not simply optional rather the concept of engagement is absent removing any sense of duty or regret. On to the recurring experience.
As I have only lived in my head, I cannot say how others think but I would describe how I think is I have a voice that is in constant dialogue with itself that I imagine taking place ‘in my head’. I consider this voice to be me ‘speaking outload’ similar to the practice of audibly speaking even as one is alone. I’m sure i’m overthinking this concept (which is a joy to do).
Ok - on to the experience... As part of the internal dialogue, the concept that I am me. Said another way, which I incessantly did I am Dan Ryan. That’s the whole of it. I dwelled in my ability to have self realization, which as briefly discussed above, had many manifestations. I will discuss just in this post. As interbal dialogue reiterated that I am, I am me, I am Dan Ryan, I became unsure if this was true, Am I? Am I me? Am I Dan Ryan? This doubt questions our very existence and creates possibilities. I love the newly found juxtaposition of loss and creation. Our foundation is questioned leading to immobilizing anxiety. Yet, sometimes, the possibility that I’m not me, I’m not Dan Ryan is an opportunity to become more. I am not constrained to only be me, to only be Dan Ryan.
I believe I must dream of more before I can become more
As I have only lived in my head, I cannot say how others think but I would describe how I think is I have a voice that is in constant dialogue with itself that I imagine taking place ‘in my head’. I consider this voice to be me ‘speaking outload’ similar to the practice of audibly speaking even as one is alone. I’m sure i’m overthinking this concept (which is a joy to do).
Ok - on to the experience... As part of the internal dialogue, the concept that I am me. Said another way, which I incessantly did I am Dan Ryan. That’s the whole of it. I dwelled in my ability to have self realization, which as briefly discussed above, had many manifestations. I will discuss just in this post. As interbal dialogue reiterated that I am, I am me, I am Dan Ryan, I became unsure if this was true, Am I? Am I me? Am I Dan Ryan? This doubt questions our very existence and creates possibilities. I love the newly found juxtaposition of loss and creation. Our foundation is questioned leading to immobilizing anxiety. Yet, sometimes, the possibility that I’m not me, I’m not Dan Ryan is an opportunity to become more. I am not constrained to only be me, to only be Dan Ryan.
I believe I must dream of more before I can become more
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